An anonymous numbnut on AOL's food blog says there are three secrets to making "the best sandwich ever":
1. Replace white bread with 100 percent whole grain bread. (Tip: Make sure the first ingredient listed is whole wheat flour.)
I like whole grain bread as much as anyone. However, there are some sandwiches that require white bread: bologna and tomato sandwiches come to mind. I have eaten bologna-on-wheat several times when I didn't have any white bread; and after each and every bite, I said the same thing, "Damn, I wish I had some white bread."
2. Substitute the lettuce with spinach and a tomato, adding real nutrition and deep green and red colors between the bread. Don't worry! Most people never notice the difference when nutrient-rich spinach replaces lettuce on burgers, subs and sandwiches. The resulting sandwich provides greater quantities of key nutrients, including vitamin C, vitamin A and folic acid.
Yeah, I know iceberg lettuce has virtually no nutritional value. But can you imagine eating anything other than shredded iceberg lettuce on a big-arse hoagie? If I ever see a guy eating a hoagie with spinach, I'm gonna ask him this question: "Does your husband like spinach on his hoagies, too?"
3. Forget the mayo. Instead, slather the bread with low-fat yogurt or a variety of mustards, including Dijon, coarse-ground, spicy brown and wasabi. Get even more daring and spread some salsa, cranberry sauce, mango chutney or sauerkraut on the bread, all of which add great taste, extra nutrients and no fat.
Any guy who puts cranberry sauce or mango chutney on a sandwich should be kicked square in his BB-sized nurts. 'Nough said.
There is nothing wrong with eating the occasional white-bread sandwich. There's nothing wrong with putting iceberg lettuce on your hoagie or hamburger, if that's what you prefer. And there is nothing - and I mean nothing - wrong with putting a dollop of mayo on your favorite sammich. If you listen to the food fascists, however, doing any one of these things - even if it's only once a week - will make you a fat slob. Balderdash.
Pass me my Duke's, dammit!
UPDATE:
Mr. Jimmy sends us this point-by-point response to AOL's "best sandwich ever" post (his thoughts are in red):
How to Make the Best Sandwich Ever
(then ignore this article)
From the Editors at Netscape
Want to impress the spouse and kids with a sandwich to end all sandwiches, the one they'll beg for every time you walk in the kitchen?
(yeah, I beg for spinach and chutney everywhere I go!)
All it takes are a few "secret" ingredients that not only add zing and zest, but also boost the nutritional value. But sssh! We won't tell them what's in it if you won't.
(ssshiiiiiitttttt! you won't have to)
First step: Get rid of the mayonnaise and lettuce. To turn a plain old meat and cheese sandwich from "blah" to "ah" you need a whole new set of accompaniments.
(second step, make sure you have a decent whisky to wash it down - Jim Beam is good and won't break the bank - 'cause what's following is gonna make you gag. Hows about we get rid of you and keep the mayo and lettuce?)
1. Replace white bread with 100 percent whole grain bread. (Tip: Make sure the first ingredient listed is whole wheat flour.) Whole grain bread is rich in fiber and micronutrients, including folic acid, magnesium, and vitamin E.
(hey, twig-boy, the first ingredient in any good premium white bread is 100 percent wheat flour, unbleached AND unbromated, what a tampon!)
2. Substitute the lettuce with spinach and a tomato, adding real nutrition and deep green and red colors between the bread. Don't worry! Most people never notice the difference when nutrient-rich spinach replaces lettuce on burgers, subs and sandwiches. The resulting sandwich provides greater quantities of key nutrients, including vitamin C, vitamin A and folic acid.
(I trust what you mean, "editors" is substitute lettuce for spinach and add tomato, you aren't substituting anything for tomato; if "most people never notice the difference", how does that take it from "blah to ah"?)
3. Forget the mayo. Instead, slather the bread with low-fat yogurt or a variety of mustards, including Dijon, coarse-ground, spicy brown and wasabi. Get even more daring and spread some salsa, cranberry sauce, mango chutney or sauerkraut on the bread, all of which add great taste, extra nutrients and no fat.
(Forget the mayo?! What, are you some kinda retardo? How does low-fat yogurt "add great taste"? It has NO TASTE. It's purely a filler, you have to add something to it, that's why nobody in their right mind eats plain yogurt by itself, you add fruit or some other food to it. Cranberry sauce is actually good as a condiment but only on a turkey sandwich with mayo! And if you serve your friends and guests a sandwich with coarse mustard and chutney as dressings you are going to 1)have a lot of leftovers, 2)have few friends, and possibly 3)be wearing what you serve.)
But beware! As you get creative with sandwich condiments, choose items that won't add empty calories. "Healthy condiments can be used by everyone, whether for plain food or gourmet, carnivore or vegetarian," Fitch-Hilgenberg said. "The condiments we choose are only limited by our imagination."
(Beware? Finally some truth! Empty calories, what, like mustard and chutney and cranberry sauce? They're all empty calories! Mostly sugars and vinegar. Do you even read the labels? And this - "The condiments we choose are only limited by our imagination." You have no imagination if your idea of a good sandwich is tofu with coarse brown mustard, yogurt and spinach. Try this on for size: Premium white bread from Great Harvest Breads, a few slices of home-grown tomatoes, a little salt & pepper, Duke's Mayo. Add some Melinda's Hot Sauce if desired (Habanero if you pee standing up). I challenge anyone to make a better wholesome, satisfying sandwich using the advice (sic) in this article.)
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