On vegans et al., part two

When it comes to the vegans and vegetarians that I have encountered over the years, I think what I've most disliked about 'em is (a) their insufferable self-righteousness, (b) their authoritarian tendencies, and (c) their abject hypocrisy.

Two personal experiences 'bout (a) and (b) follow, and you can check this out to see what I mean 'bout (c).

I was working for a trucking company when my great-grandfather died at age 94. When I got back to work following the funeral, I started telling a co-worker about my great-grandfather's career as a hog and tobacco farmer. I also happened to mention that my great-grandfather probably didn't eat 20 meals in his entire life that didn't include pork, or something that was seasoned with pork, and that's when the company's resident vegan decided to interject himself into the conversation.

The vegan in question was famous for opining about his decision to give up meat whenever conversations, even conversations in which he hadn't been invited to participate, turned to food. But he didn't just opine, he proselytized. He would get so worked up about the evils of hunting and meat-eating that I often joked that one of his close family members must've been bludgeoned to death with a deer carcass in a sausage factory.

Now, when I was talking about my great-grandfather, Mr. Vegan took it upon himself to tell me this (I remember his exact words because it remains one of the stupidest fucking things I've ever heard in my life): "[My great-grandfather] maybe could've lived to be a hundred if he didn't eat meat."

The man lived to be 94-years-old and a vegan has the balls to tell me ... you see what I mean 'bout self-righteous?

That said, 'bout three years ago I went to see Against Me! at Nashville's Exit/In. (I prefer not to discuss how I ended up at that show, so don't even ask.) Upon entering the club, I spied two merch tables. At one table you could purchase Against Me! T-shirts and CDs, and at the other table you could buy all kinds of left-wing books and videos. I couldn't help but check out Table No. 2.

A small TV/DVD player on the "2" table was showing a video in which various kooks - and I'm being charitable by simply callin' 'em kooks - were extolling the virtues of the vegan lifestyle. One particular kook, a greasy-looking sombitch who had "vegan" tattooed on both forearms, said "carnivores" should be "stopped by any means necessary." (Oh, and when he said "by any means necessary," he sorta leaned his massive 125-lb frame toward the camera.)

I was tempted to get the left-wing-merch guy to explain what necessary means should be employed to get carnivores to stop eating meat; however, I decided that drinking a cold beer at the bar was a better way to spend my time than trying to butt heads with an idiot, so to the bar I went.

If you'd like to know why disliking -- or should I say, having no patience for -- vegans and vegetarians is a noble endeavor, I encourage you to read Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential. He'll set you right in a jiffy 'bout the folly of not eating meat (apologies to Ernest T. Bass).